Dear GREs

Dear GREs,

You make me feel despondent* and obtuse.* The very thought of meeting you again (this Friday, 6pm) causes my visage* to whince and my stomach to turn. If I have been wrong all these years and there is a god, I implore* him (her?) to come to my assitance so that my score shall not be so egregious* as the last time I encountered you. I feel daunted, yet the rivers of my spirit have not been entirely desiccated.* I shall not let your impossibly imperious* list of words-to-know restrict my entrance into graduate school, but rather, shall dominate and use it as a glittery, marvelous conduit* to row right into PhD-dom.

HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW?!

(All words with a * are GRE words!)

Sincerely,

ECK

P.S. If you could make comfier sound-eliminating headphones available that would be cool too.

Not much else to say here except ETS SUCKS. Thanks for all the arbitrary measurements of what I've spent the last 4 years and 100k working on. Oh and YOU ARE WELCOME for my $320. I hope you're ebullient.*

Dear the Megabus

Dear the Megabus,

More like mega BUST! I am rather offended at your shrewd yet over-the-top attempt to kill me over Thanksgiving. Nice try, but like most animals with a nose, I am able to quite easily detect toxic gas emissions.

*coughcough*

ECK

SO. The ride to- not bad, really. The ride fro? Imagine a gas chamber on wheels. I'm serious. Mr. Busdriver assures us that "nothing is wrong with this bus!" after the whole rootin-tootin thing has literally filled with smoke twice (after 3 blocks, mind you)! The MB website tagline should read, "Megabus: The Government's Newest Attempt to Get Rid of Poor People." I and several others who are not fans of latent brain damage opted out. Next stop: Full refund!

Dear LeBron James

Dear LeBron James,

Dude, you LeBlew it. You could easily have had your own team. You broke my heart. And you will not be able to beat LA. Damn.

Sincerely,

ECK

As a lover of LBJ and the Bulls, I have to say I am royally pissed. Nobody gets it. The analysts are pissed. The Cavs are the pissed. The Bulls are pissed. IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE. The Bulls have a ready-to-win roster (LeBron himself admitted that DRose is the best point guard in the NBA!) and my (former?) boy LeBron snubbed it to hide under Dwayne Wade? What the hell? Charles Barkley got it right: LeBron should have thought, damn, I have chance to be the guy. He should have tried to go out and win it as the only superstar on the team. Now he's playing for someone else's team and they're STILL not going to be able to beat the Lakers. No way. Miami is a 3-man deep team. Shoot they probably won't even really give the Celtics much to worry about. Its gonna be a sloppy Miami Heat, mark me. I have been such a LeBron fan but I DO NOT want to watch him play for the Heat, with another all-star. That's what was so cool about LeBron- watching him kick ass on his own. I don't know how to be this guy's fan now that he admitted he needs another great to win a championship.

Dear Movie-Watching Public

Dear Movie-Watching Public,

This is a veryyy untimely plug, but I feel morally obliged to HIGHLY recommend The Cove. Rent it. Buy it (you'll want to anyways). Netflix it... however you like to watch movies. It will rock you.

Sincerely,

ECK


Not only was this film very well made, but I think it is an important movie. I have never really been one to push any sort of agenda, and I am almost a little embarrassed to make such a blatant endorsement now... but even so, this documentary was revealing and quite powerful (SUPER cheesey/ Oprah term, I know, but fitting none the less). Even if you are not the touchy-feely, peace sign-wielding and run to every protest type (as those of you who know me know I am not) you will get something out of TC.

Dear LEBRON JAMES

Dear LEBRON JAMES,

This a cruel and twisted mind screw you are making us endure! You say you want to win, so clearly you are coming to play for the Bulls, right? RIGHT?! Come to the windy city and let us get you your rings.

Sincerely,
ECK

OH. SWEET. LORD. I can't wait till tomorrow night (ESPN, 9ET) to hear where LBJ will be playing next year! I can't even tell you how many articles I've read and how many fruitless debates I have engaged in over the last several days trying to decide where I think he will end up. If he doesn't come to Chicago, I hope he doesn't disgrace us by playing for the Knicks (ew) and just stays in Cleveland. I'll be super disappointed if he doesn't wear red and black next season, but I'll just be straight up bitter if he leaves the Cavs for any other team. Ugh. In my opinion, LBJ + D Rose will be just as awesome as Kobe and Pao. Just sayin. Don't break my heart, LeBron!
(Stay tuned for a reaction post on this topic)

Dear Parents Who Call Our Office and Speak for Your Child When They Are Sitting Next to You

Dear Parents Who Call Our Office and Speak for Your Child When They Are Sitting Next to You,

Cut the cord!! If your kid is old enough to apply to college I think they are old enough to call their college up on the phone and ask their own questions... unless they are too busy changing their own diaper or something.

Sincerely,

ECK

I'll never cease to be amazed. "Well, my son has some questions about majors he's interested in" "Okay what does he have in mind?" "I don't know he's right here, let me ask him..." WHAT?!?! Put him on the damn phone!! Why isn't he calling?! Its like those girls who are 20 and still afraid to buy their own tampons. Oh and I also had a woman calling FOR H ER HUSBAND who was also in the room right next to her... Girlllll whatchoo doing making those calls for a grown man? I just do not know. Do people not understand how nice it is to 1. take the reins of your own schedule and 2. not have to micromanage another adult's life?

Dear Everyone at the Library Who Sits Alone at a Table Made for Four People

Dear Everyone at the Library Who Sits Alone at a Table Made for Four People,

Your Northface is not a person and does not need its own chair. Your floppy ass messenger bag? Also not a person and does not require its own chair. We all know you want to look astute wearing your little non-prescription glasses in the library on a Saturday but really you just look like an ass. FOUR PEOPLE can sit at those tables! You're writing a D paper anyways. Go home.

Sincerely,

ECK

Okay, really, this irks me so much. There is NO REASON that one person needs to take up an entire table. Finding a spot to squat in the library has become an Odyssey- like walkabout even though there should be plenty seats available. Yes, we all know you are so brilliant and important and your daddy donated the third floor or whatever. Just scoot your crap over to one quad of the table so that other people can study.

Dear People Who Plaster TMI All Over Their Online Profile

Dear People Who Plaster TMI All Over Their Online Profile (and Then Get Pissy About Responses They Receive),

If you make the deep darkness of your personal life explicit to THE WORLD, then maybe you will also be able to just feed us the platitudes you'd like a as a response. Making statements that are technically addressed to everyone but really are quite obviously meant to be interpreted by a very specific person are why the telephone was invented. Have one? Know how to operate it? FAB!

Sincerely,

ECK

Lets be real, I love the book of faces just as much (if not possibly more?) than the average 18-24 year old and of course I am guilty of making shrouded claims that I was secretly hoping a certain person would pick up on.. Granted, I was 18 at the time... Its SO sadly transparent when people vaguely write messages to someone who has jilted them, a friend that they're mad at, etc. Not to mention the blatant attention/ sympathy- seeking behavior heavily implied by the lack of detail. If you're going to put it out there at all, explain your damn self and don't wait for all the saps to beg "OMG Whats wrong?! Call me if you need to talk!!"

Dear Downstairs Neighbors

Dear Downstairs Neighbors,
In case you were unaware, there is this MAGICAL invention called "Stairs" that lead from your door to the ooutdoors where its considered appropriate to have a cigarette. Likewise, if you want to smoke marijuana, I suggest a local college dorm or shitty old car. I'm sick of my house smelling like an ashtray because you apparently want to get cancer before daybreak.

Sincerely,
ECK

So, my downstairs neighbors not only have terrible taste in music (house/ techno...) but also in gases they inhale. They smoke inside while listening to music that they have been too old to enjoy for at least 7 years at a volume that would probably deafen a small animal. If people want to smoke, fine, you are a grown person who is well aware of what will grow in your lungs if you choose to partake, however, don't do it inside where it will waft up and make my lovely collection of apparel and linen reek of debauchery.