Dear Broken Fridge

Dear Broken Fridge,
I am not surprised....

Sincerely,
ECK


Oh perfect! Looks like another fabulous day over in Hotel Hell. I am honestly waiting for Ashton Kutcher to pop up and provide the explanation for why our apartment is a crumbling heap of semi-comical disasters. At least I know the gin survived...

Dear Christmas Shopping

Dear Christmas Shopping,

You are one of my most delightful pastimes. I look forward to spending more time with you during the next several weeks!

Sincerely,
ECK

I really do love Christmas shopping. Especially since college: after the fall quarter (arguably one of the most stressful of the year) is over, I can stress shop basically to my heart's content without feeling one iota of guilt because I am (mostly...) buying things for everyone else! Plus, its fun to feel like one of those ladies in the movies walking around with all the bags (or, "packages" as they say in old Hollywood).
However, the most unromantic part of Christmastime, I have found, is the infamous Black Friday aka Christmaspallooza. Oh my. Obviously, the people who just have to have the 83475 inch t.v. or the great deal on somewhat crusty towels will need storm Target pre-crack of dawn. But let me assure you, unless you want the "great deal" on large electronics (which will still end up costing several hundred dollars anyways, and admit it, you're buying it for yourself...) there is every reason to avoid the unbrushed, sleep-deprived masses the day after Thanksgiving.

Dear 70 Degrees

Dear 70 Degrees,
Never leave meeeeeeeeeee!

Sincerely,
ECK

I don't know if this can be considered an Indian Summer since its November so... I'll just call it Glorious. Any time I can get away with a tshirt past Halloween is a good time. Rejoice!

Dear Bob Dylan

Dear Bob Dylan,

You are the coolest person I "know." I liked your fancy pants at the concert.

Sincerely,

ECK

Bob Dylan played three shows in Chicago this weekend and I had the pleasure of seeing him for FREE (thanks, Tara!) at the Aragon ballroom on Halloween night. Tom Waits was playing with him which was very cool and Glen Hansard of the Swell Season was in attendance. All in all: magnificent! The man is a genius and I'm elated to have seen him live at long last.

Dear Girl Who Coughed In My Face

Dear Girl Who Coughed In My Face,
Gross! You have an elbow, same as everyone else! Thats where coughs go, you nasty nasty.

Sincerely,
ECK


First of all, if you are sick (not in the "cool" way that scenesters mean, but actually feverish, sneezing etc) STAY HOME. Please. Its not fair to spread your viruses all over everyone and everything. And if you must go out and be touching things, sanitize them!! I understand this is a revolutionary idea for some, but the rest of us deserve that consideration. It is sort of strange how we have been re-programmed against nature to be first concerned with work and school etc instead of our own bodies when we fall ill. I'm not trying to be all hippie or whatever, but your health really should come first.

Dear TV Advertisers

Dear TV Advertisers,
I'm pretty sure that no one ever thought that all of your plays on the word "fashionista" were clever and its probably repelling people from your stores more than anything else. Just give it up.

Sincerely,
ECK

I seriously can't take it anymore. Recessionista? Maxxinista? Ridiculista.

Dear NASA

Dear NASA,

You know I am your number one fan, but I might have to break it off if you actually bomb the moon... I know you really want to find evidence of water, but I think this is a tad much. Just stick to the stuff that makes you so great like looking at the edge of the universe and international space stations and stuff.

Sincerely,

ECK

This is lunacy (pun intended)! Shoot for the moon indeed.

Dear Obvious Freshman in Public History

Dear Obvious Freshman in Public History,
If Vapid and Inane had a baby, it would be you. Making suggestions for the professor during class and asking supremely unsophisticated questions over and over is very unbecoming (as is your hipster forehead band....) and is obnoxious beyond what I can think to describe in analogy. However, I think I should rather listen to Fall Out Boy (zing!) than your asinine ramblings.

Sincerely,
ECK


I don't even know. I think at this stage in someone's education they should know what is relevant and what is not and have the consideration to practice non-babbling during a college class. I don't pay two grand per course to hear your erratic psuedo-musings. Save it for your diary or whatever.

Dear Girl Who Gave Me a Weird Look in the Bathroom

Dear Girl Who Gave Me a Weird Look in the Bathroom,
Like you've never seen someone brushing their teeth on-campus before. Please. Get over yourself. Also, nice leggings/ orange tank-top/ green rain boots combo. You look like a Halloween gardener.

Sincerely,
ECK


Okay, so, I like to brush my teeth during the day sometimes. I bring a tooth-brush so that after I've had my coffee in the morning I can scrub up. I think its only fair to my enamel (not to mention everyone I'll breathe near later...) to remove the stink. But apparently Tooth-Brushing is something WAY too scandalous to do in public. I mean, god forbid I should be minty fresh. And besides, someone who is dressed like she is pursuing the Great Pumpkin isn't in a place to judge anyone. Don't come crying to me when YOU have gingivitis (and probably chaffing from your too-tight leggings...).

Dear Large Intestine

Dear Large Intestine,
I am so sorry that I subjected you to a Brownstone's "vanilla" "latte." Next time I'll walk the 3 blocks and spend the extra 50 cents at Starbucks.

Sincerely,
ECK

I don't know how I ever convince myself that B.stone's is fit for human consumption... This stomach bomb is what I get for betraying Starbucks/ not getting up early enough to stop there before work. In any case, I advise all at DePaul to resist the urge and just say no to any caffeinated beverage produced by Chartwells.

Dear Autumn,

Dear Autumn,
I'm so glad you are here.

Sincerely,
ECK


I adore fall. As we approach the equinox its hard not appreciate the dip in weather and the slow change of the leaves. I love when trees turn red and look like huge lollipops before the leaves fall to the ground and I then get the pleasure of crunching through them on my way to classes. I doubt the existence of a simpler pleasure.

Dear People Who Panhandle While Texting on a Cell Phone

Dear People Who Panhandle While Texting on a Cell Phone,
Seriously?

Sincerely,
ECK


I mean, how does that even make sense? In the past month or so, I have seen two Street Wise guys on their cells phones and one even had an iPod as well! I also saw another woman in the Loop, sad cardboard and permanent marker sign in tote just a'textin' away. It totally baffles me. If someone knows anything about this rather kooky conundrum please do let me know about it.

Dear Me

Dear Me,

You know you are yourself when you see a bunch of cute pregnant ladies in September and the first thing you think is, "Great, more pisces..."

Sincerely,

ECK

Dear Chorus of "Paparazzi" by Lady Gaga

Dear Chorus of "Paparazzi" by Lady Gaga,

You have been stuck in my head allllll day.  I love you.  You are so much better than the verses and bridge of the rest of the song and you're probably the best pop hook in the top 40 right now.

Sincerely,

ECK

Seriously, there is no love in my heart for Lady Gaga (I think she is a bit of a sham and a lot of a ho), however, the chorus of this song is truly awesome.  The melody is simple yet clever and the beat is really fun.  You hear it and you can't help but choreograph it in your head.  I highly recommend even though the verses are pretty lackluster.

Dear Leggings Instead of Pants

Dear Leggings Instead of Pants,

You are a complete pantaloon travesty.  Please, please stop being a fad.

Sincerely,

ECK

Not much needs to be said here except: no matter how skinny you are, it still jiggles. 

Dear Guy Next To Me During Rush Hour

Dear Guy Next to Me During Rush Hour,
You have been elbowing my boob for the last 5 minutes. I realize I'm not the most endowed woman, but boobs of any size are significantly more dense than air. I.E. you are definitely aware that your elbow is digging into my Bs. Its crowded and hot and yes the red line sucks right now, but come on.

Sincerely,
ECK


I really feel that people have a big problem with the whole crowd factor in this city. I totally sympathize with wanting to ignore certain pests. I am absolutely one of those people who doesn't want to "save the children" or "give a moment for Planned Parenthood" and I generally do everything possible to avoid people holding a clip board. Its a skill you naturally develop to get away from marketing. BUT, its silly to pretend that there are no other people with us, esp. in confined spaces. Its disembodiment to a whack degree. I don't need people talking to me or reading over my shoulder but if you're actually rubbing epidermis with me, acknowledge it.
My friend S brought up the bitterly competitive "who will move first" game when people are getting elbowed on a crowded train. You both know its happening but the elbower is off in NoOneElseIsHere Land and the elbowee would rather be bruised brown than give way to the inconsiderate insitgator of the match.
Here's what I suggest: Elbowing happens. You don't even have to SAY anything about it (a sorry would be ideal, but this is America so...). Just don't pretend like its not happening.

Dear New People At DePaul

This entry comes from a recent status update I created on facebook that generated several clever and pertinent remarks from my friends and also the idea for this blog.
Enjoy!

Dear new people at DePaul,
Please learn how to ride the train. Now.

Sincerely,
ECK

Friend B responds:
Dear new people at DePaul,
Learn how to cross the street properly. We nearly hit 10 people yesterday!

Friend A responds:
Dear new people at DePaul,
Learn how to drink. I don't want to walk through your vomit on my way back from class.

Friend E responds:
Dear new people at DePaul,
Don't act like you're on The Hills.
Thanks!